robryanstillrox

Michelangelo once said "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." My girlfriend on the other hand hangs a quote on her wall that says, "Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself". And although both don't speak of the same subject I tend to agree with the latter. Michelangelo, I feel, despite his infinite genius and talent failed to see that within that stone and within every stone there lies an infinite number of statues. Some beautiful and rare, others simple but adoring and some that may not resemble anything more than a rock on a pedestal.

I used to think that I remained generally unaffected by my experiences. As if today life passes through me like parts through a factory and I'll make with it what I will. And although I still do feel quite strongly about this point I've come to realize that that's not all it does. I still find it true that my life experiences unearth things about me that were always there, and in that way I am finding myself. But much like a lock and key, only certain experiences will open certain doors to my personality, and in this way I am creating myself.

This Spring I went on tour. I left my home and traveled the country for four months. I've walked the streets of Chicago and marveled at its beauty from it's highest peak. I've been to Washington D.C. and gotten to explore the great city, on my clock rather than some teacher's. I've explored the South much more than I could trekking down to Florida. I've been to Bourbon Street in New Orleans and Beale Street in Memphis. Honestly, the list runs on and I don't say it to boast of my adventures nor even to reminisce but simply to say that these experiences have taken their step in creating me.

Suffice it to say that I've changed in these few months and as relativity applies, to me, it's the world around me that's different. I've come back to my house which has changed once again, slowly alienating me and my memories of it. Every day I see the house more as my kids may one day and less so as I did when I was one. Now only a few weeks away from having to say goodbye to it again I can understand that not seeing it as my home anymore only makes my moving day easier. But it's sad all the same.

While I was on tour, never did I feel me more secure and happy with my career choice. There was such comfort and joy knowing that I was working legitimately, getting paid each week and doing an honest day's work in a profession I love. And it's that comfort that makes the drop off all the more painful. I'm left scrambling today trying to figure out what the hell it was I doing before I got this gig? I've been cocooned for some time and now that's all changed. Of course anyone who's been in the third grade knows what comes after the cocoon. I hope all the time that I'll fly as beautifully.

In some ways as happy as I was to give myself fully to the project, to do the work and live the life, I felt as if maybe I hadn't brought enough of me to the table. When living with 7 other people, I'd say the last thing you want to do is piss someone off. Complacency is paramount. Don't fight. Don't act out. Be agreeable. But...When not fighting with someone turns to not debating with them. And when not acting out turns to not acting foolish and then to not acting at all. When being agreeable turns to not being yourself...then who are you? I have found, and history supports me, that no great man is without his enemies. So why should you care about being liked, when you should concern yourself with being great.

This is my last blog concerning my tour. I've written more on this subject than any other in my days of Web Logging. And I know I've still managed to leave so much of my thoughts unsaid. I hope that my life to come will be as interesting, and perhaps I will still have the frequent urge to organize my thoughts and jot them down. I also know that this entry hasn't been the most cohesive, seemingly wandering from thought to thought, but I hope that you can see the tiny thread that weaves it's way through each paragraph as it does in my mind. I hope that each subject makes sense to you and maybe even applies to you in some way. But mostly I hope you know that I meant Michelangelo the artist... not the Ninja Turtle.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Tech Week


My dad had an interesting thought. As soon as I left for the tour he was wondering when the newness of this adventure would wear off and when it would just feel like work. My answer, day two. Being here only three weeks it amazes me how much stamina I need to keep working hard and producing a decent performance. Let's face it. I'm fresh out of college and the most I've ever rehearsed for a show is 4 hours a day 5 days a week. Putting in 50 hours a week has been somewhat of a change. But even this regular rehearsal process pales in comparison to what has been known as 'Tech Week'.

In High School we used to call the last week before a performance 'Hell Week'. The rehearsals were longer and the tensions were higher. A lot of us had to work with costumes, props, lights and sounds we were not yet used to. This process is known as 'Tech Week' in the theatre world, adding in all of the technical aspects that make the show work. But this past week I think can be better described by it's original name.

I've put in 60 hours this week in rehearsal and another 15 or so at home working on my notes. The whole cast was subject to the long hours, the harsh criticism and the sometimes capricious tendencies of those in charge. We all had to be ready to adapt, follow directions blindly and give in completely to humility or we may not have survived the tumultuous week. It has been trying on my patience. It has worn me down physically and emotionally. I've put in long hours working through a moment just to hear that it's sh*t. I've eschewed personal thought and work for going over notes and redoing blocking. My one day off was spent, as directed, changing one of my character's... character!

As our lunches grew shorter, our call times earlier and our notes ever longer the whole cast couldn't help but daydream about the light at the end of the tunnel. Hitting the road. Breaking free of the rehearsal shackles, unfettered and free to do the show we've worked so hard on, would be our finest moment. And that day has finally come. Tomorrow we leave. I have nothing but good thoughts about how the road will be. I expect hard work, long days and a great deal of satisfaction. The days here in Boston have began to stagnate and how providential it is that now as I look around and say, 'I need a change' a welcome one has come. Tomorrow we leave. My first week on the road awaits, as do my memories of the time I spent in Boston.


Monday, February 25, 2008

First week on the Road


Recapping a week is far too great a task, when every day feels like a month.

Up at 5:40. Be in the Van by 6:40. The theatre by 7am. Unload the 26 foot truck filled with Cable boxes, sand bag box, lighting fixtures box... each weighing in at about a couple hundred pounds, Door Carts and Floor Set Carts, Prop boxes and wig boxes, boards and backup boards, Scrim tubes and Boom Poles. Some heavy, some awkward, and every one needs to be taken off the truck, down the flimsy ramp in the 20 degree New England winter weather.

The Truck is Empty. 8:30.

Set up the stage, hang up the lights, Get costumes in order, be sure the props are set. 9:30. Get into costume, put on make-up. What time there is left, please warm up. 'Unique New York, Unique...' 'Places!'

10:30 show.

12:00. Do it again... in reverse. 2pm. We leave. 2pm... we drive. We stroll into the hotel at 3 or 4. Or we drag ourselves in at 5 or 6.We give a look around and comment, settle and eat with enough time to sleep, wake and do it again the next day. Whoa.

What I omit, of course, is truly what makes the day worth living. Doing a show each day as my job is rewarding enough. The kids are amazing, eating up our performance, getting to know my wonderful castmates and the adventure of waking up in a different town each day and seeing parts of this vast country I normally never would have.

This week we performed in Concord NH, Plaistow NH, Stratham NH, and Falmouth MA. Some of the hotels so far have been exceptionally nice and others as you may imagine have been...well they have been through a lot it seems. As I write there are mousetraps under our bed, stained ceilings, and a smell that I can't quite put my finger on.

The performances have varied. Some, like the first, I leave with a great sense of accomplishment knowing we put on a good show. Others, I was very happy to know that it was over and the damage we had done was only minimal. Each day we have to adapt to a different theatre. Nothing is ever in the same place, the stages are large or small, sometimes there are dressing rooms and sometimes we use bathrooms. We're either in beautiful theatres or crammed middles schools. Our crews are sometimes experienced union workers or 8th graders. The most interesting part of my tour so far has been being able to adapt to all of the unpredictable disasters or delights that have invariably popped up.

Another unexpected hurdle is the social challenge. I have nothing bad to say about anyone who is on tour with me, but it is always a challenge cramming 8 different personalities into one tour. Working together requires a patience for others that goes beyond our everyday experience. Something as simple as dinner can become complicated when there's 8 different appetites and only one van to take everyone where they need to go. To be happy you need to be courteous and compromising while forceful and outspoken. You have to make sure that you are happy without pissing everyone else off. Everyone seems quite happy so far but I can't help but feel that there is a delicate balancing act we're all playing and at any given moment one or all of us just may crack.

This has been my first week on the road. I've been set loose to do the show that I've worked so hard to perform. It's got it's flaws but at least it's mine.

As for next week we are back in Boston doing a performance where the Artistic Director and Producer will watch and take notes. I have to admit, I feel good about my work, but after doing the show for a week in front of adoring kids I am a bit nervous about going up in front their watchful eyes again. Wish me luck and I hope everyone has a great week.



Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Getting my groove


This week was a Massachussetts week, the tour visited Charlton, Boston again, New Bedford, and West Springfield. We did the show for our Artistic Director again in Boston and I'm happy to say that she liked it. She was very pleased with the result and only had minor notes to give. Also it was absolutely splendid to be back in a real theatre with a real crew. Of course, I mean no offense to Falmouth Middle Schoolers or any of the other 11 year olds we've dealt with, but the ease of loading in a show to a real equipped theater is something to revel in.

All week I've been munching on cafeteria food. You see we do these private performances at middle schools and whenever we do they feed us lunch. Lunch is always whatever they have in the cafeteria at the time. Personally I've been enjoying eating the wedges of pizza and cheeseburgers in plastic bags. Mostly for the memories it conjures. The school trips take me back so much, I get lost in thought looking at the band rooms and the theatres. Walking through the halls seeing artwork displayed in glass cases. I stare at posters on the wall warning me of the dangers of smoking. I look at the instrument cases, or the cafeteria lunch line or the way the students march in and out each day. Each visual another flood of memories coming whirling back, almost like a water ride for the mind. Each image pulls my thoughts one way or the next with my brain having no ability to control it, just along for the ride and enjoying every second of it. As I continue to digress I also wanted to note that I never got these sort of feelings when visiting my own school. Sure, to a certain extent, but I think much of my mind was caught up in how much in my school has changed since I've left, but being in an entirely different school, I think my mind can focus on what's the same, naturally ignoring the rest as different.

The schools have been a fun pleasant trip through my memories, I am glad however that for now they are mostly over. The tour presses on and it is becoming clear to me how trying this sort of life can be at times. Despite physically exhausting days, personal time is a rarity. I have little time to be lost in my own thoughts and keep myself doing what I love other than my immediate job. At times the days can be emotionally draining. But when I'm constantly surrounded by my colleagues I can't help but feel the need to keep at least the heir of a good spirit. I find myself having a hard day but trying my best to keep my composure together as well. I am after all practically living with 7 other people so it becomes more difficult to 'let yourself go' so to speak. If someone has an outburst, or a fight, even if simply in the heat of the moment, the sting of it can last for days. Even though it's the most human thing to have happen. The bad taste lingers, and the tension that arises releases oh so slowly with time.

We spent this weekend in Pittsburgh and I got to finally see the 'Bodies' exhibit. I was blown away. I thought it was such a fantastic visual spectacle. Breaking down each system of the body and displaying it for all to see. I'm incredibly glad I was able to see it. Afterwards we went to a wonderful Italian restaurant called Joe Mama's. The food was delicious because as the restaurant quotes, "Nobody cooks like Joe Mama." My weekend was fun and I'm back to another work week.

I'm happy with the way the tour has been going and I'm especially happy to finally feel gelled with this show. It has become quite easy for me to wake up and slip into these characters each day, end the show and be ready to move on to the next city. I'm looking forward to many more weeks of this wonderful tour to see what other adventures may pop up.




Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Vacation Vocation


There was a delightful break in the middle of this week. We didn't have a show on Thursday and so I spent my time off seeing two movies, "Vantage Point" and "No Country for Old Men". I was happy with both movies but I was particularly blown away by 'No Country'. I was so happy this week to kick back and watch a movie, something I hadn't done in so long. When I saw Vantage Point, however, I saw it by myself. Something I have never done before. I have to say, it wasn't the most pleasant experience. I figured it wouldn't be too big a deal, but sure enough, it was a big deal. I couldn't seem to concentrate on the movie because all the while I was evaluating everything I saw based on whether I thought other people would have liked it or not if they had come with me. Although enjoying the movie it was an experience I don't think I'd like to have again.

When our mini weekend was over we got to have our real weekend in Columbia South Carolina. During our trip down there we made an extended stop at "South of the Border" the biggest tourist trap on the east coast, with 102 billboards scattered across I-95 and the world. It was the cheesiest, most ridiculous place I think I've ever been. It was teeming with plastic statues of animals including bears, jackalopes, turtles, frogs, dinosaurs and pretty much any other animal you can think of. There were also numerous statues of the one they call 'Pedro'. Pedro is best described as the mascot of 'South of the Border' (the Mickey Mouse if you will). He is the most stereotypical Mexican ever created. Tan skinned and dark hair, a big grin and an oversized sombrero atop his head adorned with Speedy Gonzalez garb and leaning back in a typical 'relaxed' posture. We shopped there, played some video games and had a perfectly unauthentic Mexican lunch. I couldn't have been happier. We then left Pedro and South of the Border in search of our next destination, Columbia South Carolina.

On Sunday we took a day trip to Charleston South Carolina. Our show was in Columbia and the drive took about 2 hours. I got to enjoy a bit of the beautiful old city of Charleston and explore some of the stores. I sampled some fudge from a fudge shop and had some crab at a Crab Shack. Above all, the day was relaxing and it made me feel as if I was on vacation. That has been one of the most rewarding aspects of this tour. Each week I put in a grueling amount of work, but on my time off I get to feel as if I'm truly on vacation. I sit in a new town with money in my pocket and nothing but time to explore shop and eat at wonderful restaurants. I hope that as the tour continues I'll be able to do even more with my free day, see shows, go to baseball games, visit amusement parks and simply give in to any and all whims that I may have.

During my trip to Charleston I saw a production of 'Fiddler on the Roof'. All said and done I didn't love the production very much, but the experience of seeing a play was very enjoyable. After performing this show day after day I almost start to forget that there are other things going on in the world, that there are other artists out there also pursuing their dreams and perfecting their crafts. It got me in such a good mood to jump right back into the acting world as soon as I get back home. My mind traveled around thinking of all the great acting possibilities there might be when I return. Of course, I'm performing in a show right now, but already I'm thinking of my next project, my new outlet. I'm starting to feel like an addict looking for my next high. Or perhaps, more suitably, I simply feel like a young man with a restless mind thinking of more fulfilling ventures. Either way when June rolls around I'm sure I will be the caged animal set free ready to pounce on my next job.

Next week looks like long drives and grueling days, I hope I survive it. Thanks for being my outlet, next week I may really need it.



Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Toughest Week


This has been the toughest week of our tour.

The drives have been 4 plus hours all week, which according to some of the tourmates is a situation, they were told from higher ups, would never happen. Each day grew longer, and the time that we had to ourselves grew shorter. I didn’t have time to read, write or even adequately talk to my loved ones. It is so much harder to go up on stage and be someone else when you don’t feel as if you’ve been given a chance to be yourself. Unfortunately it’s just a hazard of the job. I’m here and I am enjoying myself so I merely have to push through the harder days.

What is of more importance are the events that transpired due to this week’s insane schedule. Because of the belief that we were told otherwise about our responsibilities on tour, a simple complaint was made. This then turned into to e-mails between a cast member and employer and then quickly and suddenly one of our cast members was fired. It came as a shock to us all. Our former cast member had to say goodbye and catch a bus back home the very next day. She left rather honorably with poise and a smile on her face.

I don’t know exactly what was said that led to her release, nor do I know the thought process that went into the decision. But I do know that this week and the ones following it will be spent scrambling trying to piece this show together again and make it presentable. I do know that the show will suffer becuase of this for an unknown period of time. I also know that my patience and my feelings are being tried, but unfortunately that is just a hazard of the job. I’m here... and I am enjoying myself...So I merely have to push through the harder days.

Goodbye Amanda...we’ll miss you.



Friday, March 28, 2008

Oklahoma City!


Last weekend we went to Oklahoma City. Since our Friday show was cancelled we got to have a TWO day weekend!! Doesn’t that sound depressing? Well we certainly used it up. First we explored the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum. The place wound up being amazing and even for me, someone who at first glance wouldn’t really care so much about the history and heritage of the West. The Museum really covered the wide spectrum of the West. They had art galleries and some wonderful sculptres. The museum was filled with fascinating artifacts from the 19th century on including clothes of the Cavalry, Indians, and cowboys, saddles, guns, boots and hats, hand made Indian clothing, blankets, and jewelry. There was an entire section devoted to Western Films and television. It was a great idea considering much of what we know about the West comes from what we’ve seen on TV and Movies. To top it off the museum had had a mock Western town we could walk through, complete with a post office, bank, saloon, whorehouse, cathouse, brothel and train station…Lots of prostitutes at the Train Station. Well ok most of that is true. Anyway we had a great time wandering through and taking funny pictures.

Afterwards we went to Bricktown, Oklahoma City’s downtown area, and went on the riverboat tour. Now I say ’tour’ when I think I really mean bullshit. It was probably the most pathetic thing I’d been on. We sat as we sailed passed nothing of any significance whatsoever. And the best part was that the tour guide didn’t even mask that the tour was garbage. This is an actual quote from our tour guide. "And on our left is my favorite restaurant, ’Hooters’ now does anyone know what ’Hooters’ is known for?" "Wings?" "Yes that’s right wings." It was fun though in its own way and as always we found a way to enjoy ourselves.

To end our day in Oklahoma City we saw the Oklahoma City bombing memorial. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Even when I first arrived I assumed much wouldn’t sink in, seeing that I had no personal connection to the event and at the time was too young to appreciate what had happened. But the more time I spent there the more the memorial got through to me and allowed me to see the real tragedy. The memorial was incredibly well put together with some powerful imagery that was able to evoke strong emotions effortlessly. In one corner remained the foundation of the destroyed federal building as a small chilling piece of the past. The entrance way was a towering slab of dark stone 50 feet high and carved in it was the time 9:01. From there a reflecting pool stretched out like a football field to the exit, where an identical slab of dark stone stood with the time 9:03 carved into its rock. The area in between represented all that happened at 9:02 that day. In the grassy field to our left were stone chairs, one for each person who perished and smaller chairs for the children. And although this tragedy was great, it was difficult to stand there and not think of the events of 9/11 and how both events changed people’s lives. It was sad to see how there was such a beautiful display there in Oklahoma City but back home in New York nothing but a scar remains at the site of the twin towers; even 7 years after the event has passed.

The weekend was a blast. And now that I’ve gotten a taste of the two day weekend it’s going to be awfully hard to go back to just having Sunday off again. Texas is next.




Saturday, April 05, 2008

San Antonio and The ALAMO!


San Antonio is a beautiful city. The River Walk, which San Antonio is known for, was incredible. In the sub streets of the town ran a waterway lined with shops and restaurants. And although for all intents and purposes it was a touristy thing it didn’t at all take away from this beautiful section of town. Here we took another boat tour. This one however, as compared to the Oklahoma City crap, was an amazing experience. The night was warm and breezy as we drifted pass the lights, the people and the stores. There was such perfection in the air. It was as if this little area was hidden from the rest of the normal, bustling city streets, unaffected by the cares above. As we walked down the steps to the River Walk it’s like we had entered an entirely new world.

Not all of San Antonio was open, fun and easy going. We did stop by the Alamo, because San Antonio is also clearly known for being the home of the Alamo. The first thing I want to mention about this National Landmark is that I had completely misjudged where exactly it would be. In my mind I always assumed that the Alamo was in the middle of nowhere, off on a dirt road somewhere surrounded by cacti, sage brush, dust and dirt. No! This building was right in the heart of downtown, surrounded by big commercial buildings and the Crockett Hotel hovering above us all. (Exactly, I’m sure what Davie Crockett would have wanted.) It was an incredible sight to see but as compared to it’s surroundings it was obvious that the building was simply out of place. Unfortunately we didn’t get to The Alamo early enough to go inside to the Museum portion of it but we did attempt to take some pictures of the outside. And I do mean attempt…

Have you ever heard of the story of Ozzy Ozbourne pissing on the Alamo and getting arrested? Well apparently he was pretty drugged or drunk and he decided to take a piss, not knowing he was pissing on the Alamo. We all thought the story was pretty hilarious so we thought ’Hey wouldn’t it be funny if we got a picture of us pretending to pee on the Alamo!’ I thought it was funny. Texas did not think it was funny. The Cop who guards the Alamo all day didn’t think it was funny. Michelle was up first holding her finger out as if she was peeing on the Alamo when the cop stops her and actually asks us all to leave because we were being disrespectful to the Alamo. And to show how serious these Texans are about their Alamo, we weren’t even inside the building. We were just in the area around the building and yet still we were forced to leave it! It was a very funny adventure and luckily we still got some pictures including one of the guy who kicked us out. (It’s on Facebook.) We were happy to put the unpleasantness behind us.

Later that night we went to Dick’s restaurant where the gimmick is that they treat you like crap and give you funny dunce hats with insults on them. When we came back with our dunce hats with the insults on them we thought "Hey wouldn’t it be funny to take a picture in front of the Alamo with the funny hats on!" I thought it was funny. Texas did not think it was funny. A different cop guarding the Alamo did not think it was funny. That’s right, we got kicked out of the Alamo, again. "Hey Rob what did you do in San Antonio?" "I got kicked out of the Alamo. Twice."

So in San Antonio we couldn’t take a picture of the Alamo so long as we were wearing funny hats! The Policeman forced Rhonda to erase her picture on her phone. Twice in one day Chamber Theatre was kicked out of a national landmark. Rhonda tried to argue with the angry Texan saying that nobody gets this uptight about landmarks and that people in Washington D.C. don’t get all up in arms when you want to take silly pictures in front of the Washington monument. The officer actually responded, "Well this is Texas." And Rhonda being who she is came right back with, "Well then I think Texas Sucks" And as we’re walking away he continues to yell to us, "Then why don’t you just go back to Washington then!!" It’s funny to me because as if going back to Washington is an insult. You know? ’Yeah go back to Washington, with your White House and your Capitol Buildings and Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, with your Presidents and war heroes!’ I can appreciate their beliefs but I was honestly surprised by how serious these Texans are about their Alamo. A mistake I won’t make a third time.

So that was most of my Texas experience, considering our brief time there I’d say I did pretty well. I got to enjoy authentic Texas BBQ and drove by the Book Depository where President Kennedy was assassinated and saw at least one beautiful Texas Sunset. More fun cities to come.



Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Sights, The Sounds, The Smells


I have been a sight seeing man these past few weeks. My bank account hasn't exactly grown but I feel that my sense of this country certainly has. Each day it seems I'm faced with the choice of whether to deepen my pockets or my experience while I'm on this tour. Almost always I come to the same conclusion that money can be made anywhere and at anytime, but seeing America is an opportunity I may not get again. Since I've been on tour I've seen things that I've been dying to see, things I don't care to see and some things I hope I never see again but I love the experience all the same. I always had in the back of my mind that after college, before I started my "life", I would take a trip to explore the country a bit more. Something I could do while I was still cut loose and not yet bound by some of life's entangling ropes. Getting this gig has given me that chance and in a way I couldn't have imagined. I'm being paid to see the sights and to live the culture. And even if at times I spend too much, when I crunch the numbers at the end of the week I still wind up in the black. I feel I'm finally taking advantage of what this tour has to offer rather then just showing up and doing my job. And frankly, I couldn't be happier about it.

I spent a night in New Orleans, The Big Sleasy. For any who know me though, you may think a city like that is wasted on a straight lace like me. I don't drink, I'm not looking for girls and as far as dancing is concerned… well I usually keep it on the stage. Even with our clashing personalities New Orleans and I got along just fine. I ate benoits at Café du Monde, saw some pretty Cathedral I wish I remembered the name of, I spent a few hours at the New Orleans Museum of Art and got to see the George Rodrigue exhibit. He's the guy that paints the blue dog, I don't get it. And sadly I saw some Katrina wrecked homes. To end my New Orleans trip I spent the evening on Bourbon Street. This was a sight, 15 blocks of one big party. Every bar, club and restaurant, open all night with the streets lit up like Times Square. Everybody 18-80 is partying out on the streets, in the bars, anywhere and with anyone. It was a sound! Live music. Good live music! Playing in every other club, with some bands covering classic rock, others contemporary and some hip hop. No door charge, no dress code just come in and have fun. It was a smell! Piss, BO and stale beer. Put those three senses together and you've got New Orleans, a night that'll be hard to forget.

Even between bigger stops we made side trips where we saw Tennessee Williams' and Elvis' Birthplace. Tennessee's wasn't the best, The old Victorian house was turned into a visitor's center with the only memorabilia being a rather rudimentary sum up of his life. Elvis' birthplace was a bit better. It had the house itself filled with period furniture, a small exhibit to give us a flavor of his upbringing, and as always a gift shop. We then spent a night in Memphis. I didn't check out Graceland just yet but I did spend my time on Beale St. listening to some blues and again partying in the streets. It wasn't as impressive as Bourbon St. but it was memorable all the same.

We really got cooking when we visited Chicago. There I got to see the Sears Tower which I know seems sort of normal, but I have to say, being up there was a breathtaking experience. It was humbling looking down at the people running like ants hurriedly along with some lame purpose. And it was exciting looking North at this huge beautiful city showing me what those little ants could do. Gazing East toward the magnificent blue Lake Michigan hit me with nature and the unchanged. I looked South and I saw the future of Chicago, buildings growing ever taller just waiting to stretch high into the sky. And finally I shot West at the highways stretching out to the horizon, off to the rest of Illinois which, take it from me, isn't really much of anything. I also went to the Steppenwolf Theatre where I saw, "Dead Man's Cell Phone". I perused the Art Institute of Chicago, and enjoyed the Eduard Hopper exhibit. He painted "Nighthawks", that painting of the corner café where you're looking through the window of some miserable people at a café. It's art. And also the rest of the Institute boasted some big names. It was like a party of big guys, Monet, Renoir, Picasso, Van Gogh all chilling and having a fun time. It was a nice little weekend.

So those brief stories were a bit of my adventures these past few weeks. I know it may not mean much to you reading, but you have to understand these are the things that keep me going. The work is long and hard and our time off doesn't come often. I spend countless hours driving in a van and so to have some of these memories to hold on to really means something to me and really makes something of this tour. I'll try and keep the good times rolling but most importantly I'll be home in June.




Monday, April 28, 2008

Nicole and the Last Leg


The Northeast never looked sweeter! We had shows in New York, New Jersey and Massachusetts. Being back in my home region was great. I really got a sense of what I had been missing and more importantly what I'll be coming back to in June. I got to see Nicole a couple of times this week. Sweet like she is, she drove from Binghamton down to Pennsylvania and stayed the night with me. Then we both hopped in her car and drove down to Englewood New Jersey. While I was driving with Nicole, though, and during most of this week, I felt the strangest sensation. I felt like the tour was over. You have to understand, seeing Nicole has been a bit of a rarity as well as being even remotely close to home. Heck, I hadn't even been in a regular car for months! So being in the car with Nicole, driving home from Binghamton, on I-80, headed toward New York, without a cast member in sight, it certainly felt like the tour was over and I was going out to celebrate. I tell you, it was a tough landing back to reality knowing that there were still five more weeks of tour and that I had to head right back down South again (as of now I'm in Tennessee).

I had a great time with Nicole. We got to spend our anniversary together; we went into Manhattan and saw "Spring Awakening". Then we ate at "Olive Garden" A rather familiar meal for both of us. I got to see her later on that week too when I returned to Brooklyn and we stayed in what I could only describe as the shadiest part of Brooklyn I've ever seen. It was a nice neighborhood, if you were a bullet. I also got to see my brother Steve. And my brother Tim and my dad came to visit me in Englewood New Jersey.

On a side note, the drives in the Northeast have been particularly cumbersome for me. Because when I'm in Tennessee or Georgia or Alabama, I don't know where I am and I don't know where I'm going. So a four hour drive just kind of goes by with no real consequence. But when I have to drive from New York to Boston and I'm fully well aware of what that drive entails, it's much harder to simply sit back and watch the hours roll by. You recognize the roads, the landmarks and you're fully aware that you're nowhere near where you have to be. But when I'm in Mississippi I just know that four hours goes by and then POOF I'm there. As far as I'm concerned, the ignorance is bliss.

One of the more poignant parts of this week was realizing that the majority of this tour is now behind me. Many of us are looking ahead to our plans for the summer. The newness has worn off and so has some of our charm. 'The honeymoon is over' so to speak. It's sad to know that some of us will change how we feel about each other and it's interesting to see that some of us already have. According to the veterans it's an unfortunate yet inevitable truth. I like everyone I've met on tour, and as far as I can tell people generally like me as well. Naturally though people will tire of each other, and the niceties and the courtesies we've shown each other in the past 3 months may start to wane. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt just may not fly anymore as people's patience continues to grow thin. I don't mean to sound dramatic but when you're living with 7 other people, spending all your time with them, how you treat them and how they treat you is paramount. If people start to dislike each other or even if they just stop pretending to like each other then this last month could become very unpleasant.

Time does funny things to people.

I try to stay positive. And I will try to make sure that the oppressive hand of time does not keep me down as we enter the last leg of our tour. I can only hope that others will do the same. In the meantime I'll just have to wait and see. For now I'm in the South which means Grits and Gravy, Biscuits for Breakfast, Waffle House and Weird People, AND Courtesy and Conservatives.

I'll be back North in a week.




Saturday, May 10, 2008

Losing the Tour


When I first started this tour, I knew that I would be seeing the country but I didn't plan on seeding the country. Throughout this tour I've been planting personal possessions, trinkets, valuables and not so valuables all over the East Coast, the South and the Midwest. It started out with my sleeping mask, a small replaceable yet close companion. Then it was my Miller Light hat. No I don't drink the stuff but it was a nice hat and it fit me just fine. I know that everybody has something in their wardrobe that is completely random, doesn't have any specific meaning to them or maybe even anyone they know but they wear it anyway. Go ahead, check your closet… you'll find one of those shirts that say "Drink at Barry's" and you'll be like why the hell do I own this own this shirt? Why do I still wear it? The answer is simple, it's comfy. My hat was comfy and now it's in Tennessee somewhere. The next one was a bit of a blow, my backpack. Luckily at the time I didn't have a whole lot in it. But I still lost the bag itself, a book on screenwriting I was reading, my calculator, A coffee cup that sings 'On the Road Again' when you press a button, an Elvis Presley Postcard written out to my brother Tim, two sets of earphones, Curve cologne, a bottle of Centrum, and of course my digital camera. That was left somewhere in Mississippi, and I think whoever finds the bag and the random assortment of junk in there must think to themselves, who is this guy?? Most recently in DC I lost my wallet. It may have fallen on the floor somewhere in the Smithsonian and it may be in the streets of DC somewhere, but I also have the feeling that the suspicious Ice Cream Man I bought my Screwball from may have made off with it. Whatever the case may be it is the latest addition in my long list of lost valuables. And yes, I cancelled my credit cards, which is always people's first response. I just hope this tour ends soon, because by time I get back home I may be naked without a single possession left.

This week I got to go home to Lake Ronkonkoma, NY. I ate food at Gino's Pizza and I stopped by my house. I stayed at a hotel where I've done comedy before and I ate dinner at the Olive Garden where I worked for several years. It was a real trip having my cast mates, people that I've gone to Austen Texas, Memphis Tennessee and Chicago Illinois with, eating lunch with me at my favorite pizza place in my home town. It was fun to be a bit of an authority that day, letting everyone know just how bad the LIE can get and where to go if they want some good eats.

What was alarming to me about being home though was the sudden realization of how soon I would be right back to where I started. For four months I have been a decently paid working actor on tour with a reputable theatre company. In just a few weeks I'll be Rob again living at home scrounging for a job. When I'm here I feel like I'm doing something, I feel as if I'm furthering my career and with each passing day I am becoming a stronger actor as well as a bigger force to be reckoned with. But when I came home and I saw my old colleagues at the OG and spoke to my friends from college I realized that everything I had done only amounted to stories, memories to hold on to. This experience has given me this experience and nothing else. My time here will now be a small blurb on my resume but it will not give me assurance that I will find the next job, or that the next job will be better than the first. When I first stepped back into Olive Garden it hit me how quickly my life could be right back there again. There is nothing that separates me from that life, except for my will to always look forward and to accept nothing lesser always something better.

Of course, I'm not delusional, I know that as my career presses on I'll have to take the crappy job, I'll have to accept not getting work for awhile, and be ok with getting off of a big project and then coming back to nothing. Failure is often the foundation for success. I just know that my life can't remain here at home. My failures lie elsewhere. If I do fall on my face it will be on the cold pavement of the streets of Manhattan and not in the comforts of my own living room.

It's true what I said, whether I lose my possessions or not, when I come home I'll come home naked, ready to start anew.

What do House MD, MacGyver, and Jack Bauer have in common? Well besides the fact that they are fictitious characters on television shows... They are the best at what they do and unfortunately, single. These characters, with the exception of MacGyver, are the powerhouses of television right now. The man who can do anything, seemingly, can't hold a woman. Go ahead and continue the list, you'll realize that every fictional character that gives all he can give, and always gets the job done, never has anyone to come home to. Jack from LOST couldn't quite seem to hold onto his woman... hell even Luke Skywalker had to abandon his girl (granted it was his sister) when things got tough.

This theme is pervasive throughout Film and Television. The realization that either your life is going to be about family or about your job. Adam Sandler was reminded of this wonderful message in "Click". Anne Hathaway had to recheck her priorities when her job took her away from her friends in "The Devil Wears Prada" and let's not forget in that movie, poor Meryl Streep, who was on top of her game until we see her truly sad life, because of her workaholic tendencies. I recently saw "Michael Clayton", yet another man who is considered to be 'the best' at what he does… and it only makes sense that he's divorced.

This is a hard message to swallow time after time when I'm turning on my television. That if you want to achieve greatness, then be prepared to do it alone. I never once looked in the mirror and said I want to go for second best. If I could just fall amongst the rest and fade into the background then I'd be happy enough. But at the same time I've never looked at myself and thought… family's not for me. I don't think I need a woman in my life. Then how come TV is making us choose?

Mediocrity is celebrated all over this country. Stupid guy, crappy job, Great family. Great guy, Amazing job... No family. The Best Guy, Perfect for the Job, Usually doesn't even have a friend. This message has got to end!

We were all shocked to see that Bill Clinton, our president, could have carried on in extra marital affairs. We all like to believe that our president should have it all; the political savvy to keep this country safe from unnecessary war and depression and also the warming heart to be a loving father and husband. Harrison Ford never usually played a character with a wife and a kid… that is of course until he was the president in 'Air Force One'. Do you think 'Indiana Jones' was originally intended to have a Misses? Clearly, we as a country feel the importance of a loving wife and adoring kids. Not even so much for it's own sake but for the integrity it seems to posses.

Do I think this message is true? Can I find some validity in what my Hollywood friends have been telling me? I don't even know. Sure money and success might not make you happy. But I've seen plenty of poor miserable fucks. I've seen enough mediocre lives in loveless relationships, people with shitty jobs and shitty kids to boot. Why not try to be the fucking man… and why not try to get the woman who's being the fucking woman. And why not make some great fucking kids together. Instead of saying 'We don't need money because we have each other' why not say 'Although we have money, we don't need it because we have each other.'

Honestly, I have no answer to my questions. I have no point for my inquiries. I'm simply amazed by my observations and I'm wondering if this shit is true? I'm kind of interested in what you think. So if you read this, tell me. What do you think of choosing the right life for you? Where does your balance lie? Because I don't know. What does Jack Bauer, House, and MacGyver say to you??? Other then, "You're going to die" "We're running out of time!" and "Give me that stick of gum… I'm going to make a bomb."

I sit at this red light. 2 min. and 15 seconds. That's how long the light is. I know because I counted it. And I count perfect seconds. It's the last red light before I get to my job. In fact my job is right across the way from this light. And I get to stare at my place of employment for 2 min. and 15 seconds. Sometimes longer if I miss the first round of green.

The funny thing is... I always get caught at this light. I know that everybody has that one light that they always get caught at. It's official. Everyone's got theirs, and they like to brag about it too everytime they pass it... "I never make this light!" They exclaim either in disgust because they've been stopped once again or in triumph as they breeze past their foe. Well... this one's mine.

There's not a day that I go to work where I don't get caught at this light. And yet, I never take it into account when I'm getting ready. Ever. I leave 15 minutes before my scheduled time. I hit the first major road in 3 minutes the next in another 7 and my destination takes another 5. But then the light... I wait at the light for 2 plus minutes and I'm late for work... again.

I think I don't leave earlier almost as a protest. I refuse to believe that I'll always be stopped by this light. I can't accept that it'll always be there. I know full well in my heart that one day I'll drive along and that light will shine a brilliant green and I'll zoom on past and enjoy my pleasant victory. ... but what good does that do me? Then I'll be at work... the real place I'm trying to avoid.

It's been five weeks since I've delved into this working world. I've kept myself exceedingly busy...the way I like it. Unfortunately I just don't get to use my creativity like I used to. I used to juggle 16 hour days standing on my head because I was intelligent, in charge, rehearsing and performing, reading and writing... I was unstoppable. Now the majority of my time is spent explaining to people that the breadsticks aren't stale but just a little overcooked. -No it's not an office job...but good guess. I've gotten so comfortable using the abilities that I have to succeed, that it scares me to think that I may be stuck doing something where those talents aren't needed. I write this blog on the first day off I've had in weeks. If that tells you anything.

Day after day of doing the same thing with no more reward than a little cash in my pocket isn't worth it to me. I know I have to work towards my dream even harder now so I can finally leave this place. I just hope I've got the strength in me to do it, for as long as it takes.

Now I kind of get why I sit and stare for 2 minutes and 15 seconds and never leave earlier... my last moments of freedom and fresh air. I don't hope for that green light anymore. Maybe I'll just turn instead. Because if Rights on Reds are alright... then maybe I'll be alright too.

It's odd how the time goes. A second never changes, nor does a minute, nor an hour. But we have all described our time on this earth as either flying by or going too slow. Obviously a boring class is going to seem to go slower than an interesting one. And a couple of hours with good friends seem to fly by like the minutes. But we don't just mend time in hours... we do this to days, weeks and months. It's not uncommon for someone to say,"Wow that summer flew." That summer??! The entire summer!! 3 months long and all you can say is it flew? How do we do this? How do we sum up portions of our lives and size up it's relative speed?? Our concept of time is incredible. When we have two weeks left of summer we are bummed as shit. But give anybody a two week vacation in the middle of their school year... they'll be thrilled and make every moment count.

But you see that's where it is really. Making every moment count. We never do it enough do we?? Give me a three day weekend and I'll show you that people will do more on that FREE Sunday night then they ever would have done on a normal Saturday night. How come we treasure a snow day in February when we just had a month off in January? This is all because we lose sight very quickly of the idea of making our time count. Waking up, feeling good about ourselves and making that day special to us.

I've said to myself during the school year, 'If only I had a day to do this I would.' And when I've had that day during the break... nothing got done.

I look back on this winter break and I'm extremely pleased with what I did. I enjoyed the holidays, all of them. I spent wonderful time with Nicole and my friends. I wrote some new material and had one of my best shows to date. Lastly, I gained some confidence in myself for the field that I'm headed into when I graduate.

School started today again. My last semester here. And a lot of my free time has just been chewed up. But the little free time I do have left will mean so much more to me. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm going to try and make everyday this semester mean something. Everyday will be good for some reason, each day will be a little productive, a little fun, a little crazy and a little lazy. People say live everyday like it's your last... fuck that. Live everyday like it's your first. Your first day of summer, ready to live it up in the sun. Your first day of school, excited about new adventures and new faces. Your first day of the weekend, ready to party because Monday is miles away. That's why New Year's is so fun. It's the first day of the year. That's why everyone makes their resolutions then. So I guess this is mine. To live every day like it's my first.

Farewell winter break, my last. It was fun. And it really flew.

It's been a little over a week now since "Lebensraum"'s final curtain. In my last entry I explained the circumstances by which I took the directing job. It's fascinating now, after having been through so much with that show, to think that only two months back I had no idea I would have ever directed such a show. My prediction was that I would learn so much about directing and acting during the process.

It is phenomenal how right I was. In those short weeks I had to learn all that needed to learned in order to direct a show and make it presentable. I had to figure out how to run auditions and what to look for in a cast. I had to learn how to run a rehearsal, to take charge and let everyone know who was running things. I had to learn to work with three very different actors.

And as a side not one that. It was incredible how much of a difference there was between these three actors. Going in, I assumed that I would be able to tell the actors what I wanted, what I liked and didn't like and I assumed they would take what I said and make the proper adjustments. I was shocked to learn that each actor responded immensely different to the notes that I gave. I had to learn how to talk to each individual because each responded to different kind of notes. Natalie, who was very open to all notes and criticism, enjoyed hearing what she was doing right first. Something I enjoy as well. A nice little boost of confidence to let her know she was on the right track, so long as she got that she was willing to change what needed work. Jason, who was completely new to acting liked to hear specifically what he needed to do. He was not an actor who wanted to know about objectives, about tactics, And he certainly wasn't concerned with how he 'felt' at that very moment. He just asked a nice and simple, "How do I say the line?" Dave, who is a very self sufficient actor in a number of ways was a polar opposite of Jason. His approach towards me was one of... Don't you dare tell me how to say a line. His work is wonderful and specific but if I had a note for him I had to find the exact words to lead him to my point without ever actually making it. All of the actors were so incredibly dynamic in their approach which made me work 3 times as hard. I could not imagine directing a show with a cast of 15... or 20! The process was the process and it was unique for each actor but they pulled together for one of the best Pocket Theatre Shows to date.


...Continuing on I realized the importance of reprimanding people... something I never really got around to doing. I also got a lesson in the fragility of people's emotions... and how easily someone might bail on a student run project. (That's mostly the reason I never got around to reprimanding people, it's better to have a crew that doesn't show then no crew at all.)I was amazed by the amount of help I got from everyone along the way. It's astounding how many people come to mind when I think of who helped out for this show, and how pivotal a role each and every one of them played. From Stage Managing the show right down to letting me borrow a serving spoon.

I had to be thinking, on my feet the whole way through. I had to know the show better than anyone else so when people came to me with questions I could be ready with a response. I had to have problems worked out before I showed up to rehearsal and I had to have the ability to work problems out while at rehearsal. It was imperative that I could think quickly on my feet because as soon a problem comes up and it becomes apparent that you can't fix it right away the cast starts to lose respect for you as their director, their leader. It sounds dramatic but it's absolutely the truth. And it happens quicker than you think...Imagine this... You're sitting in class and the teacher gives you a difficult problem, when no one gets it the class asks him to solve it. Now let's say the teacher spends 2 minutes just scratching his head looking at it... How pissed would you be? That he would assign something he couldn't even do? Honestly I don't know if you'd be pissed. But I would. Because we expect the people in a position of authority to take that role seriously and all that comes with it. Including having those problem solving skills.

I had to learn how to make sounds on the computer burn it and load it up to the sound board. I learned more about tech week than I have in my entire life as an actor. I learned the joys of light focus. I got to know what it felt like to not have sound cues until the day before the show. I had a lot of fun learning experiences.

On the downside, I did get my first taste in, "Ohh no this show may not even happen and it's going to be all my fault." We had a serious serious line memorization issue. It made the entire cast on edge. The show is difficult to memorize and the rehearsal schedule was short. Emotions ran pretty high for about a week straight. There was a lot of anger, some directed towards me. It was a storm cloud hanging over our wonderful show. The rain let up though and on opening night there shined a glorious rainbow, full of color, excitement and Jews.

The best experience I had was sitting down opening night, throwing out all of my worries and all of my legal obligations to the show and I just watched. I watched as they performed what we had been working on for so long. I watched the little nuances I added and the wonderfual acting choices they made. I watched this show that was nothing... just words on paper, really come to life and simply astound anyone who saw it. Sure there were some mistakes, things I could have done better and many others that could have been fixed with the blessing of time. But the show we did is what everone remembers and I've yet to hear a bad review. I am so happy this turned out to be a success. I certainly did learn a lot, and I had so much fun in the process and that's all I really could have asked for, honestly.

Would I direct again? Absolutely. But I'm really itching to act right now, And I can't wait for the next little project coming up for me. "The 8 Reindeer Monologues" On Dec. 7th. And not to mention the Comedy show at McGuire's on the 1st and 2nd. I'm happy to say that I took on this project head on and the results were outstanding, I hope I can keep that same attitude for all of my future endeavors.

P.S this is too long to proofread so I apologize for any errors.

I took the opportunity recently to direct a show for Pocket Theatre. The play is called 'Lebensraum' by Israel Horowitz. It's a rather fascinating piece and it appears to be a real challenge, for an actor as well as for a director. I was extremely nervous to take on this task. I guess I always kind of figured that if I were going to direct a show that it would be one of my choosing. One that I read myself, proposed and said, "I'm gonna direct this. I love it and I could do so much with it." But had that been the situation, I realize that I run into a few problems.

1. By heart, I'm an actor and it would be quite difficult to find a play that I love that I would want to direct. Most likely I'd want to act in it first.

2. If I waited to direct only the times that I found a play I absolutely loved, made sure that it got picked for one of Pocket's seasons, and then had to make sure that I got picked for director as well and wasn't going to be doing any other shows that semester that would coincide... I'd get my first directing debut somewhere around 2012.

3. The pressure of putting on a show that you love is a bit more than I'd like to handle. If I had this one picked out for years, and I had the characters in mind and I knew exactly what to do with it, most likely I'd be disappointed with the results, I'd get too hard on myself. And I would be too afraid to try something new and daring because it might coincide with my "vision" or whatever vision I had when I first picked the show.

4. Too much would have to go right. And that's simply never the case.

The point is, This show Lebensraum, is not my first pick. I haven't been dying to do it for years. It was thrust upon me and I had to make a quick decision. And believe me it's a good show, but it's not my perfect dream of a show. I'm directing now because my schedule's slim this semester, the show needed a director and BAM. The funny thing is, it will most likely be one of the most rewarding experiences I'll have here at Stony Brook. I'll probably learn so much about directing, putting up a show. I'll learn so much about acting and being responsible for a big project that involves many people. and I'll probably learn a whole lot about myself.

So there you have it. And if you'd have asked me three weeks ago if I'm directing a show called 'Lebensraum' I would have said, God Bless You. and of course I'm not directing a show. These are the twists and turns of life that I love. The proverbial tree branch in your bike spokes sending you on a great journey full of wonder. And deep down... I never really want to know what I'll be doing next.

I start classes tomorrow. My Summer is officially over and it's always slightly depressing saying goodbye to my time and my friends and my girlfriend. And I always feel like the summer just flew by. But I know that when I look back, it really didn't fly by. And I'm very happy to say that I set out to do a lot for myself this summer and really stepped up to the challange.

I knew that this summer was going to be the last one that I'd have fully before I'm... well an 'adult'. Meaning someone who has to live on his or her own with little to no outside help. So I wanted to prepare myself, just in case I am crazy enough to screw my diploma and pursue a career in acting and comedy. And trust me I'm just that crazy. So I set out early on to go on auditions, get acting jobs and really try to put together some good workable stand up material.

It's only been three months since then and I was able to get myself a job working as an extra in two major motion films. One is "Music and Lyrics By" Starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. And the other is 'Spiderman 3'. I had a blast doing the two shoots. I got to see some famous people, I was able to check out the real process behind making a movie. And who knows, when those puppies come out you might even be able to see me in one shot.

I went out on multiple auditions for various parts and got myself acquainted with trudging into the city as well as the process of auditioning. I got one as well! I made it into an independent film called "Good Friday" written and directed by these two young filmmakers. I only had to shoot for one day, and the film probably won't be seen by anyone but it was such a thrill to have lines to memorize and to do two or three takes, get the right one, change your clothes and move on to the next scene. It was so much fun and unlike the two Major motion pictures I was allowed to use my imagination, which just made me feel so happy and free. Anyone could have been an extra, but what I did took at least some talent and skill and that's why I loved it so much.

As soon as school ended in May I signed myself up for my second 'Funniest Person on LI Contest' at McGuire's Comedy Club and won. I won a cash prize as well as a 20 minutes hosting spot at the club on August 11th and 12th. As a result it got me a paid gig doing comedy for camp kids at McGuire's and after my performance on the 11th and 12th I was booked again for Dec. 1st and 2nd.

This springboarded me to do as much comedy work as I could. I started going into the city and trying my luck out at the big clubs. I played an open mic at the Comedy Cellar. I auditioned and got booked a job at Joe Franklin's Comedy Club. I performed a new talent showcase at the NY Comedy Club. And most importantly I started to get my foot in the door at the NY Improv. I've done three New talent showcases there; each one with outstanding results. After my first visit I was called by Endeavor Talent Agency who asked for my headshots, a video of my standup and said that they'd 'work with me' if anything came up. Nothing has, of course, but the honor is the same. The second time, Admire Entertainment was really taken by me and if only I had more material they would have tried to work with me to book College comedy shows. And the third time I went I got no phone call from any talent angents but I did get a call from the club booker asking me to do a guest spot at one of the pro shows. That date is set for Sept. 24th. It'll be the most prestigious show I've done yet, I'll probably get 5-7 minutes and I'm really looking forward to it.

I got myself involved with a small time talent angency called Actors' Reps who deal with extra work in Movies and TV and small speaking roles. I got my headshots redone, I got acquainted with the acting world and I feel so much more equipped to really do this one year from now. I hope I stay on the ball. I want to have fun this last year of school but I also want to know that I'll be ready when it's over. I'm looking forward to class tomorrow. I'm looking forward to everything that's ahead of me. Wish me luck, and sweet dreams.

16 hours of activity, no time to sleep, long car rides, packed itineraries, and enough spending cash to purchase a pure bred, This has always been my idea of a vacation. I had always been comfortable spending my nights in a decent hotel and spending my days on high speed rollercoasters. This past week in Montauk though, was nothing of the sort.

This has been my 3rd year going out to Hither Hills camp site. You spend your days in the sun and sand, The heat commands you to the water, and the cooling ocean sends you back dripping with satisfaction. Schedules are meaningless, time is irrelevant, alarm clocks are unnecessary. Everything there happens at it's own pace. More often you check the sun rather than your wristwatch. Sleeping only 50 yards from the beach the tumbling waves rock you to sleep. You pitch a tent under the glorious stars; Not just the stars we're so lucky to see every night, but also the more shy ones, the ones that are overpowered by the bustling cities, the street lamps, the night lights. Past the Twinkling blues whites reds and greens you can spot the faint glowing ring of our Milky Way Galaxy. It's out every night yet people always stop and stare.


There's a silence to it, A calmness. Half a dozen friends could sit around lost in thought and never utter a word. It unwinds you, it makes you think less, and it let's you let go. Until this year I've never had much to let go of. Sitting around my house all summer wasn't exactly duties or responsibilities so I always went to Montauk with a clear head. This summer though I feel I've taken on so much, that I had to cut some pretty thick ties to relax. And for that I found it tough to leave this year. To be hurled back into my life, as exhilerating for me as it may be. I need to reclaim my space, play catch up at work, and start thinking again about my future and how I'm gonna get there. The thick stalked vines of thoughts and worries are starting to grow back, wrapping around my mind again.

Within the first hour I got home I made six phone calls, checked 20 e-mails... wrote 3, deleted over 80 spams and made a to do list that was too large for my planner notebook. (Honestly, the book gives you like 4 lines for an entire day.)

I'm ready to hit the ground running again. To start writing more, and selling myself to every club, director or casting agency who wants me. But you know part of me still wants to take a nap at the beach, Woof down some Munchbox. Part of me still wants to fall asleep under the stars and wake up to the sun. And part of me still wants to eat a fucking canteloupe.

I hope you're all enjoying your vacations.

You just might find that some of the happiest moments in your life are often accompanied with some of the saddest. Now these two don't necessarily have to be back to back. In fact in the context I'm using them, I don't even believe they have to be close in time at all. But what I mean more to say is that the things, the events and the people that you love most are usually the hardest to leave and say goodbye to.

Now being the end of the school year, I find this case all over. I see people who are graduating, leaving their school and their friends and their feelings of sadness are truly intense. And as heartbreaking as it may be at times, I know that it only stems from how much they loved their friends here. And how much they enjoyed their last four years.

So in my own odd way, I sort of celebrate that sadness because I know it comes from a place of real joy. No one is sad to leave a place they don't like, (They might get depressed but that's a little different) And no one is sad to say goodbye to someone they never had a good relationship with. I think if you make someplace so enjoyable that you don't want to leave then you've succeeded. And it's ok to move on to something else and make it your new favorite place. It seems unfair I know, and it also seems like life is full this same concept. Just as soon as you start to like something you have to go.

But let's consider this. In fourth grade this kid Eric and I decided that fourth grade was the best grade and that we never wanted to leave. Now of course I'm in college and Eric fell off the monkey bars and hit his head and now he's mentally retarded and I don't think he'll ever leave the fourth grade. So who's better off?? ... OK... well that story isn't true but the point is the same.

I say this all because this is a battle I have to fight everyday as well. I hope that when my day comes, one year from now, I will have the strength to spring out of college into my life. To never get too comfortable. To work hard and constantly invent and reinvent and to never get too worked up about what could have been but rather what will be. I wish you all luck as well and I'll see you real soon.